Long time no talk!

Soo, I know I haven’t posted a new blog in a really long time. I’ve had a lot going on and a lot more starting.

Senior year is starting just a week away. I’m full of mixed emotions. Happy, sad, excited, anxious, but most of all.. thrilled. I’m thrilled to find out what I have ahead of me for college, and what I have in store beyond that point. Just like every other up coming senior I have the worries and anxiety of where I’m going to go to college, what I’m going to major in, how far away from home do I want to be, and how is what I do in that time going to benefit me in the way that will better me in the long run.

I know that I want to play golf, but I just don’t know who for. There are a couple of colleges and universities here in Florida that I’m interesting in, and then there are a few out of state. So now it’s just a matter of my making myself noticed and contacting those coaches. It’s a work in progress.

Other than that, I’m beyond stoked for senior year. The fact that I’m only going to be here a year longer is not only starting to hit me, but it’s starting to hit my grandma as well. The other day her and I were out on the porch talking like we use to. We got to talking about how when I was 4 or 5, when I woke up I would immediately go out on the porch to find my grandma rocking in those very same rockers that we were in. I would curl up in her lap with my blankie and listen to the birds chirp. We relived this moment for a little bit then I asked her if she thought that I could still sit in her lap. Her response was absolutely priceless. “Hell no! What do I look like to you? The Jolly Green Giant?!” Keep in mind that I am 5’11” and 189 pounds. Bahaha. Needless to say, I saw her point. We sit there a little longer, and I glance over at her to see a small tear streaming down her face. I asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to say that it was finally starting to hit her that I was graduating high school this year, and I’m the first one out of her children and grand children to ever graduate from high school and go on to college. THIS, meant the world to me. I knew then that I couldn’t let her down. I owe this to her for everything she has done for me in my lifetime. Needless to say, with the right amount of will power anything is possible.

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The Significance of Life.

As days go by, people don’t realize how precious everyday we have on this planet is. You never know when you’re time here is going to be up. I try to live everyday the best I can, of course all of us have our bad days, the best you can do is just live through it and live the next one to it’s fullest.

I look in the obitchuaries as often as I can, just to see if I knew anyone has died. Everytime I notice the ages of the people getting younger and younger, most of the time due to freak accidents like car crashes. Others you see some teenagers dying of drug over doses, or them just being plain stupid. Which is how, we all know, most teenagers are. Yet, you start to look at all the other articles and you see more common deaths, like heart attacks and strokes. As I was reading these, one death stuck out more than the others, “33 year old father dies of heart attack”. This IS the youngest heart attack victim I have seen.  I just couldn’t believe what I was reading. The young man didn’t have any heart problem, perfectly healthy. This makes me wonder, if people are dying at this age, is it going to get any worse? 

I finished up reading all of these, and once again I started to think, maybe I should start living my life to the absolute fullest. I shouldn’t let anything ruin my day. After all, you never know if you’re going to be next.

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Life Changing.

There is this little boy and his cousin that I have never met in real life… I met his older cousin who we will call Jon, over a chat site about 5 months ago, we have been talking ever since. The little boy, whom we will call Tyler for safety reasons, has been diagnosed with medulloblastoma. For those of you that don’t know what this is, it’s a life threatening brain tumor that mostly appears in children under the age of 10. 

The reason I have chosen to write about these two people is that, even though I don’t know them in real life, they have indeed made an impact in my life. The strength and relationship between the two is so significant. Personally, I can’t stress how crucial relationships like this are in someone’s life. These two maybe cousins, but from what I can see, they have their fights, battles, and agreements that the typical brothers would have. Jon is in a wheelchair due to a football accident, but this incapability doesn’t stop him. He does everything he possibly can for Tyler, not because he has to, but because he loves the kid, not because he feels obligated, but because he wants to.

I have witnessed the two sharing moments that you couldn’t even imagine. Earlier this week, Tyler jumped on Jon’s lap causing him to fall back and hit his head causing him require stitches. Jon doesn’t stay mad at Tyler for the act a very long amount of time. In no time they are back to joking around and watching movies like nothing happened.

For just being friends over the internet, I feel like I really know these two, we are able to talk about anything and everything together to matter what it is. I don’t think he knows how much I need and appreciate, listening to my problems, and not telling me to piss off. Relationships grow, some are gained, some are lost, but this is one, that I hope will continually grow and bud.

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Surprises.

Who would have thought, me, of all people, the one who keeps everything bottled up and endures the pain, the one who doesn’t like to talk to anyone about anything she feels,  finally getting a blog. I have seen and read numerous people’s blogs and have felt the same pain that some of them have felt. I have talked to them and asking “Why do you blog all of your problems?” Every response just the same, “It really feels great that people are actually reading what I write, and can relate to the different steps in my life.” These answers left me thinking, maybe I need to grow up, maybe I need to start venting, typing, and let everything out that is bothering me.

Me, a girl of 16 years of age, has been through more than most people have gone through in their whole lives. I’ve been told that I’m actually something special. I tend to think different. Unlike the normal family you would commonly see; a mom, a dad, and then two or more sibilings, I’m completely different. The only person I have in my life that I can actually count on is my grandma. My dad, whom I have never met, left my mom and I the day I was born. From the day I left the hospital, to this very day, I live with my grandma. Yes, I see my mom occasionally, but not by choice. When I was seven years old, my grandma gained legal custody of me, and officially became my mom. 

My uncle, who was the only father figure I had ever had in my life, was a crack cocaine addict. All my life I’d have certain nights laying in bed, wondering why all of this was happening to me. Why I was an only child, not getting to share my pain and suffering with anyone. How I would deal with the pain of the annual Father/Daughter invite that came all throughout elementary school, and the explanations I was going to give my friends for not going. WHY, does my family have to be so different from typical American family. And my final question, HOW was I going to cope with the loss of my grandma when the day was to eventually come. All of these questions I ask myself everynight, hoping for some kind of answer to arrive the following day. But each day, there was no answer.

It seems the only way I could get away from all of this is to figure some way I can take out all of my anger and anxiousness for the next day, was indeed through sports. Sure, sports were enjoyable, and most kids just did them for the fun. But not I, I did them for the ability to vent without actually having to talk to anyone, to people have to hit the complete shit out of a golf ball or a softball, without causing any damage that would get me in trouble, to be able to kick or spike a ball, with out trying to hurt someone, to go out on a golf course by myself and think about what I was going to do with myself and how I was going to cope with the following minutes, hours, days, months, and years. Only one thing held me back at certain points. My body. I tended to push myself beyond my limits, beyond my capabilities, eventually causing something to give out. I’d cut the healing process, and get back to playing the sport I was playing at the time just to cause even more harm.

After I got hurt a few times, I made myself stay home, stay away from the fields or course, so I could heal completely. After several months passed, I needed to find a new solution to make my stronger so I would be less likely to cause more muscle injury. Sophomore year of high school I joined the weightlifting team. I welcomed this challenge with open arms. I was the tallest girl on the team, and I thought the strongest until I picked up my first bar and performed a bench lift. Then I knew, yeah, I’m strong, but not this strong. I left the weightroom sore and hurting, but that didn’t stop me. I returned the next day of practice, and the many days of practices and meets to follow. I fell in love with this. During second semester I changed my schedule so I was able to have weightlifting as a class. I enjoyed getting to work out whenever I wanted. I found myself becoming a stronger person. Not just physically, but mentally also. I have everlasting aches and pains, but I have learned to cope, to deal with what I was feeling, whether it was my psycological pain or my physical pain. 

I have been writing about myself for the past hour. I think I’ll call it quits for right now. Mark my words, I will be back.

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